Hello people. This will be a common line for me to start a post, so here it is again.

It's been a long time since I blogged. =)

Anyways, its 4 in the morning and I couldnt get myself to sleep. It may be the new sofabed, or it may be the uncomfortable pillows, but I know thats not all to it. Something is missing in my life. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm sure it's something big. If you have noticed, this blog of mine is usually filled with posts full of negative emotions which oozes such pathetic outcry of mistakes and regrets I have in life. I regard this blog as a place for me to express myself and I thank those who even bother reading them.

It's not that I am seeking for sympathy or I am a constantly troubled person who don't know how to have fun or look at the brighter side of life, but sometimes the worst things in life come to us in huge masses. Let's face it, we all do make mistakes and regret them repeatedly over and over again and when we want to atone for it, we dissapoint ourselves and dissapoint those whom we laid hopes on. I'm currently in that situation and I hurt one's feelings so much that the person wants to be immune to being emotional. Lets call this individual H.H.

H.H was a softhearted person who is gullibly innocent and sweet. H.H loyalty and honesty was essential to the relationship. Never did H.H once committed a huge mistake only minor ones. But I had to kick a huge fuss over it and always made H.H look bad and feel guilty. I restrained H.H from the reality of life and the other things life have to offer. Maybe it was my over-protectiveness, but I realise now it affected H.H so much H.H is hurt deep inside. Even so, H.H endured it, and I swear, it took such patience to tolerate this treatment. H.H had flaws too, but I tried my best to smoothen the edges just to make H.H a better person. I was harsh, but at that time, as long as it shows results, I will do it. I steered H.H away from things which may ruin H.H's image and confront those who tried to be funny towards H.H.

I don't give a damn if that individual get bloodied, as long as he don't bother H.H. I remembered one time, H.H was mixing with the cousins, whom for me are considered as incest bastards, came to my uncle's shop to indirectly test my patience. How I vividly remembered how one of the cousin gave me a slap on my back, as a 'kind' gesture. I knew it wasn't a good intention, but I restrained myself from giving him a slap on the face instead. I wanted to kick the teeth out of them and see them bleed and cry while I stomp their head while they're biting on the kerb. Both of them may look tough, but their sissy voices gave that look away. I don't give a damn if they're involved in the underground society, as long as I get a beatdown on them and see them toothless or even armless or fall limp, I will get this sense of sick satisfaction. If they wanted me to get angry, I would, but I controlled my temper as I wouldn't want myself to go back to that path of life which I left some time ago. I wouldn't stoop myself lower. I know better, they're just, as they call it "Budak-budak baru naik. Fanatic". Thankfully, I managed to talk H.H out of it and she agreed to it. And believe me, it took such a long time for me to convince H.H.

But, now I realise that H.H was just trying to mix around with family. As that was my reason for us to take a break. Family. No matter how incest or how stupid they are, they're still family. H.H was distraughted. I just shoved H.H out of the way for my family. Not even thinking twice about how H.H may feel about my decision. I failed to realised family and relationships are just as important. I was reckless and selfish. Even so, H.H tried so hard to get closer to me, but ultimately I would push H.H away. How stupid I was. So stupid. Even when my actions were unintentional, it hurts so much when I put myself in H.H's shoes. Ironically, I don't blame H.H for trying to be immune to this game. And not replying those messages. And being so cold hearted now and turning a cold shoulder like how I did before towards H.H. Even when I did, H.H never gave up, H.H constantly sent me messages to remind me of sweet memories on rainy days and funny moments and antics on such bad timings which still made me carve a smile which I rarely do nowadays. How H.H would cut the hair and wear sweet smelling perfumes to grab my attention, and how H.H made those funny cute voices whenever we were out, those were the memories. Sweet ol' memories. All those little things H.H did for me, I fail to notice and she would keep the dissapointment to herself. Yet I was stubborn, still having my head buried in this problem of mine which ruined everything for me. How I wish I could make things better with a snap of the fingers. I was blinded from everything I once cared for. All I did was focus on this problem and finding ways to solve it and hoping things would change. There were empty promises and hopes in this problem, which arises every now and then.

Everyone promised to change but never did. Things turned for the worst. Even my studies flunked, my social life sucks and I suffer from much insomnia and sometimes I feel myself blowing up inside without anywhere or anyone to turn to. There were deaths of a few of my loved ones in such a short time. That rubbed salt to the wound badly. I couldn't think straight but kept it mostly to myself. I started hanging out late at night as confining myself at home makes me feel worst. I never feel like going home. Not even now. But everyone tries to make things look normal and be jolly about it but at the same time, if you look closely, you can see through our smiles. We're all cracking inside. A short conversation about our dissapointment would end up with tears brimming in the eyes. This part of my life I would call,

'Dilipidated hopes, dreams & love.'

We all hope for things and sometimes pin it up too high. When it isn't fulfilled it takes such a long time for us to bring it back down to earth. Dreams, I realised are just dreams. Those sweet and heartwarming scenes in the movies are fictious. It can never happen in real life. Dreams are just dreams, nothing can change that. Love can hurt and if you are lucky it can make you feel elated most of the time. Love isn't just about those 3 words, or those big anniversary celebrations, it's more to it. It is about trust, mutual understanding, patience, perserverance, courage, loyalty, honesty and also compromising. I learnt that by looking over my shoulders now and only to realise it a minute too late to change things. Regret won't bring anything back, it just makes you feel so much more shittier and useless. Life isn't a bed of roses and I had to learn it the hard way. Even when the family seems fine, there will always be a problem to ruin everything. It will happen at the most unexpected time. So it is best if you treasure whatever you have now and do whatever you can to secure a bright future, academically, emotionally, financially and most importantly the household. Even things which I looked forward to before this problem, are nothing to me now. Nothing matters. I don't know what still does now.

I just feel theres nothing else to be done. Let nature takes it's course. You may have things to look forward to, but for me, even those normal things which one usually hope for such as an outing or a happy gathering or owning a bike means nothing to me now. I feel so empty. The house feels empty. Life feels empty. Almost everything and anything don't work for me anymore. I may laugh at your silly jokes, but will forget it a few seconds later.

I hope I proved a point with my personal experience. It may not be in depth but playing along the surface is just as fine.