The Diary of Richard Kruenx

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it make the whole environment gloomy and restless. The streets are filled with different shades of mushrooms brisking in every direction when I looked from my apartment window. She called and she said she was coming up. Eventhough I never wanted to see her again, I carried her excuses to meet up at the nearest sundry store around the corner of the street. There she was, standing there alone, with her red umbrella hooked on her forearm. She was shivering like a leaf due to the heavy rain. She look so fragile and weak in the harsh battering rain, wearing merely enough to provide warmth.

I walked up to her and said, "We shouldn't be meeting anymore." and all those words on how we should never see each other. She replied, "I really miss you."
I told her with a cold tone, "Let's go".
She didn't open up her umbrella, and I knew she wanted to share mine.
I retorted her actions, "Open up your umbrella and let's go!"

Unwillingly, she opened her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She told me she didn't have her lunch nor dinner and asked whether we could stop by a place to eat. With a stoned heart I replied with a firm "No". Dissapointed, she asked me to walk her to the train station so she could take the train home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

But reality crept back in and I said "Let's try another train station".

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking by the side of the busy road, with me behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She was like a wounded soldier, helplessly carrying her rusty rifle around. She was lingering so much in thoughts, she wandered to the road and nearly got hit by cars. I wanted to take her in my arms and provide comfort, but with such discomfort in my stomach and that much love for her, I did nothing. Eventually, we passed by this certain park filled with memories that we once love to spend time together.

She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."

With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Richard and Susan was here, Richard had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Richard and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while in the rain looking so helpless with her broken umbrella till she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Richard, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate and be a pain to you sometimes, but I'll change, I promise we will never have silly arguments ever again, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other. Only the sound of cars whizzing pass and the raindrops battering against our umbrellas were heard.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until six month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide.

But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to lose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, losing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."

Her other hand was flapping slightly, hoping for one last hug. But I ignored it and squint my eyes towards the taxi. Her lips shivering, her eyes brimming with tears, only her senses forcing her to hold back those tears infront of this cold hearted being. The person she loved the most and never thought it would turn out this way. Countless thoughts were running though her mind. She blamed herself for this downfall, maybe it was all her fault. All those silly small incidents she always made a fuss about or maybe it was all her whining and complainings got the most of her beloved boyfriend. She blamed herself for everything. And she can never forgive herself.

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street.

Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Richard.

I'm that girl Susan, penning down my our last memories in his diary I found after one year since he left. Richard, I will always have you in my heart. I love you, forever.




Yours forever and truly,

Susan Mcgrue.